Who are you and why are you friending me?

I recently joined FaceBook, after being urged by some professional associates and being told that I *must* do it. Fine, whatever, sign me up. I’m still learning my way around, but quickly realized there is nothing in my personal profile that I want my professional aquaintances to see.

What I’d been warned about, and hadn’t really taken seriously, was the danger of becoming visible to former high school classmates. Or, possibly, sinister and/or lonely people posing as my former high school classmates.

At least FaceBook has confirmed my decision to never attend a high school reunion. I was overwhelmed by the twit-speak (“Widdle Johnny just frew up!!!”) until I discovered the blessed “Less from this person” feature. Now that’s technology I can use.

But this week has brought my oddest FB experience yet…and I have an inkling I am not the first person to encounter this phenomenon.

I received a friend request from someone named Sally Jo Beyerdecker (not really her name, but it’s a good former classmate name, yes?)…I don’t recall ever meeting anyone by that name. Ever. I looked at her profile, and it turns out we went to high school together (or so she claims). Still no recall.

Thinking “What the heck, let’s see what this is all about…”, I confirmed. And then she wrote a long message on my wall that was all like “Haven’t seen you forever…you still look the same! Let’s get together and catch up!”

Well, okay, first off, I don’t recall ever having seen her, so I suppose the “forever” claim is accurate. She lives a 3-hour drive away and wants to get together to catch up on…what exactly? Like, say, oh…How we’ve never met? I baffled at this all evening, briefly wondering if perhaps we had met at some point in the hazy past and that now that I am getting old and alzheimery, I simply am forgetting these small, yet important, details of my past. I panic a little at that one.

The other thing is, I am fairly certain that even as an insecure and slightly dorky high school student, I would never have been pals with this particular Sally Jo Beyerdecker. She has the relentless, somewhat alarming, smile of the social-climbing high school cheerleader. Her FB profile pic? This is a woman who decided her wedding picture was the one to use. Her profile includes the info that she never left “our” hometown, is an unabashed Republican, holds an AA from the local community college, and has numerous children who she takes to church every week.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure we weren’t exactly pals.

And, what do I say back to her? “Oh, hi! Gosh, what great times we had, Sally Jo. I must’ve been really stoned all through high school, because I haven’t got a frigging clue who you are? Were you the one who gave me those mushrooms that made me see Sasquatch?”

It took some thought, but I finally came up with the answer to her post: “Hey, you look great, too. Haven’t changed a bit!”

Then, I selected “less from this person.” See ya, Sally Jo.

That’s as diplomatic as I get these days. I think it was a good effort.