Would you like some cognitive dissonance with that?

It’s a strange holiday season. Wouldn’t you agree?

Everywhere I go, I seem to see two worldviews (for lack of a better word) in competition. There’s the old “consume, consume, consume” mentality that is unsustainable and–apparently–on the way out. Not that you’d know it to walk into most stores. And then there’s this widespread, sort of gnawing neediness and thriftiness surging all around.

Today, I had a couple extra hours and wanted to finish up a few bits of Christmas shopping. I thought I’d hit midtown, with a quick trip to the Macy’s at Downtown Plaza to check out a new coffeemaker for Tater. Trying to earn my “shop local” street cred, I popped in at a few local merchants. I bought nothing. I simply couldn’t find anything I wanted to get for the people on my (very short) list. Thinking I’d take the easy way out, I headed to the mall.

Nothing like a mall to make you regret your entire existence.

After wandering around like an insane and rather lost person, I left emptyhanded and equally empty hearted. I just *couldn’t* buy anything. My thought process went something like this: Oh, Uncle Roscoe would love this. But it’s expensive. And I don’t know if Uncle Roscoe would ever use it. What if it just sat there in a closet, never used, a complete waste of money? Instead of wasting that money, maybe I should just send a check to Heifer International and tell Uncle Roscoe I bought him part of a water buffalo?

See what I mean?

On the flip side of all this dithering, I’ve been feeling as though I am among the fortunate this year. As I’ve watched the financial meltdown, seen colleagues and acquaintances lose their jobs, I keep remonstrating with myself: I should save more. I should spend less. I should definitely spend less on myself. I should give more. I should shut up and be thankful.

I stopped at Safeway on the way home and bought gift cards for several people who I figured would hate anything I picked out for them and would appreciate a little spending money. I also bought a box of chocolates for an awesome co-worker whose presence in our office is the only thing that maintains my questionable sanity on some days. What the hell.

To snap myself out of it, I’m watching Flight of the Conchords–specifically, the She’s so hot – Boom, Boom song episode.

My Inner Diva Will Not Be Attending Your Soiree

Do you ever just look at yourself in the mirror and wonder how you turned out to be such a misanthrope? I do.

I love the holidays as much as the next person. I’m even enjoying the crisp fall weather, instead of whimpering about it like I usually do every year. But this year, something else is different. As the party invitations start coming in, I find myself screaming “Bah-freaking-humbug” at nearly every one.

In particular, I have been having a violent reaction to any invitation that involves the word “diva.” You know the ones, the invites that offer a women-only party with shopping (!!!), spa treatments (!!!), and other girly crap (!!!).

Blech.

Who are these people? What is this blind devotion to consumerism and faux “pampering”? Is this a version of grown-up dress-up? I don’t want to rush out and buy something couture-y right now (if ever) and go prance around with a bunch of other chicks, trying to keep my tiara in place.

Not only do these events hold no attraction for me (obviously), they also gross me out from a simply practical standpoint. The product pushing. I mean, I realize everyone’s sales are down right now, but is “diva marketing” the way to go? Maybe it works. I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t attended a single one of these wanna-be-elitist-but-I’m-really-just-a-boring-suburban-middleclass-idiot-with-no-life-who-can’t-afford-this-crap-anyway events. (Need I specify they are being held in the ‘burbs? Probably not.)

Can someone call a moratorium on the overuse of the word “diva”? Because I’ve realized that my inner diva is a total bitch who doesn’t want to play with the other girls’ mommies’ dresses. Ya know?